Way Back When

When was the last time you remember waking up just bursting with energy, filled from the depth of your soul with a pure and genuine happiness, an undying curiosity as to what this day may hold in store for you, not a worry, not a care, not an inkling of your “to do” list anywhere in the Penumbra of your brain? When was the last time you opened your eyes in the morning feeling completely in tune with yourself and everything around you? Let me guess. For you, as for me, that was way back when. Way back, when you were still a child. Before life removed all the innocence. Before you fell into the trap of “growing up”.

Children in the morning

 

 

 

 

Our lives are one giant ball of hectic – social media, responsibilities and schedules; we don’t make our agendas – we live inside of them, like Alice who fell down the rabbit hole, we fell into the spiral of adulthood. As much as we haste and run to get from one appointment to the next, blogging and tweeting and texting while we rush along, we are on the constant search for that elusive feeling described above. In short, we all look for simple, pure and untainted happiness as we only knew it when we were young. And most of us spend a lifetime in vain trying to recapture this joy.

 

I wonder does that happen to you, too? Do you occassionally come across pictures that were taken during various moments of your childhood and you wonder what the hell happened? What happened to the kid with the mile-wide smile that hang upside-down from a tree branch? The kid that gazed up at his/her parents with eyes full of trust and love? The dare-devil kid on the skateboard just wearing shorts on a hot summer day with skinned knees and  a cloud of ecstatic joy ? What happened?

Life. Life happened.

Some of us got hurt pretty badly, even as children, and lost that joy and innocence way before adulthood even came around the corner. Most of us grew up through more or less annoying puberty into our teenage years and emerged on the other side of school and university as young adults. Lets face it, we all thought we owned the world. Way back when? We still believed we could do ANYTHING. Life may have already taught us some lessons, we may have lost friends along the way, learned how to lose competitions, get bad grades, lose the unconditional trust in adults; but we still believed in ourselves.

However, life had more in store, didn’t it? We started to make choices. As we exchanged run-down student dorms for apartments and eventually a 3 bedroom house in the suburbs, the cool motorcycle for the boring minivan, the nights with little sleep because we were hanging out with friends for the nights with no sleep because the baby won’t quit crying … as we exchanged all that, we also seem to have exchanged our joy, happiness and most of all our belief in ourselves for the constant struggle of staying on the treadmill of mortgage and child support.

It is funny in a weird, conflicting way that even though we all know this to be true, most of us recoil from the mere notion of admitting that we used to be carefree and purely happy WAY BACK WHEN and we really aren’t now that we lead the life everyone expects us to lead. Admitting that not everything in our lovely little lives is PERFECT and makes us REALLY HAPPY seems to be one of the capital sins of society. What terrible fate would befall us if we sat down and wrote down all the things that SHOULD make us happy – but really don’t? What would happen if after that, we’d sit down with our wives and husbands, our boyfriends and girlfriends and actually opened up about this? OMG. Just the thought makes you feel guilty and slightly nauseous, doesn’t it? We have been taught what is and what isn’t proper, what is and what isn’t socially acceptable. Being UNHAPPY  living the All American Dream – that surely isn’t acceptable….. or is it?!

I believe that we start losing our pure joy and life energy the second we start worrying about what others expect of us – and try to fit ourselves into that mold. It starts in childhood of course when we start modifying ourselves so that parents, friends, teacher etc “like”, love and appreciate us – but a lot of that modification still comes naturally and doesn’t change our core self. The older we grow, the more modification. We are expected to behave; expected to get good grades; expected to earn scholarships, learn a profession or get a university degree; we are expected to want to be successful; to want to meet Ms. or Mr. Right, get married, have a family. We are expected to build or buy a house, become loving and devoted parents – and somewhere along the line forget who we once were; the little boy or girl who loved to play in the mud, manicure be damned.

I love my life. But I haven’t always. Just until a few years ago I was caught in the same spiral from above. I did things because they were expected of me; because I didn’t want to hurt people I loved – or believed loved me. I wanted to become a military fighter pilot. I couldn’t because I was myopic – but joining the military was out of the question anyway because my parents wouldn’t have approved. I studied medicine. Don’t get me wrong – I haven’t regretted being a doctor a single day in my life. I can’t help but wonder, though, whom I tried to appeace and impress with that decision. Myself? Or my parents?

I realized I was gay when I was still a child. Yet I waited until I was almost 20 to come out to my parents. Why? The fall of grace, of course. I knew that they expected something different of me. However – being gay was probably the “thing”, the deciding factor, that actually set me free from those expectations; I knew that this was a moral and core part of me that I couldn’t and wouldn’t deny or modify or adjust to the expectations around me. It was so life-changing; and I felt that if I am not loved exactly for who I am, I don’t need the “fake” pretense love of people who don’t even want to know the real me.

Now? I love my life. I don’t love my minivan; I know its the sensible solution with two kids and a lot of animals 🙂 but I really, really don’t love it and it sure as hell doesn’t give me joy!

Nissan 390 ZA Nissan 390 Z would give me a lot more joy 😉 – pure, untainted, childlike – but knowing that and admitting it makes me feel less resentful that I can’t have that right now – and hopeful that one day when the kids are a bit older I WILL get that for myself :-).

I love my life but I don’t love the fact that as soon as you are parents, making love to my wife isn’t something anymore that can happen literally all the time anywhere :-). Does that bug me? Sure it does! Who of us doesn’t get frustrated when we just have an intimate kissing moment in the kitchen that could lead to much more – and boom! one of the kids barges in (of course without knocking on the closed door….), loudly announcing that they are STARVING! 😉 It frustrates me and bugs me and because I can admit that it does it loses it’s oppressing weight and I can manage to turn the potential negative energy into a positive excitement because at some point the kids WILL be in bed ;-).

What I am trying to say is this: dare to admit to yourself and to your spouse all the things that bug you or that you aren’t happy with. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your spouse, your kids, your life – it just means that you also haven’t forgotten to LOVE YOURSELF and to value what is important to you!

I will let you in on a secret. I try to remember things that used to make me happy as a child and occassionally, I let go of all adult decorum and just join my kids in their chaotic riots :-). In those moments I try to see life from their point of view and try to forget whats considered proper and what isn’t.

 

I will play with them in the mud, get dirty, start food fights, fill balloons with water to throw as bombs (cleaning the windows be damned); we all know burping isn’t proper but it makes my children roll on the floor with laughter if I let one rip after drinking a coke; I “wrestle” with my son and we claw at each other, pull hair and sure, spit at each other; and after when we are exhausted we just shower and all’s proper again 😉

I am the parent. I am responsible, I protect them and I’d never engage in anything that could hurt them in any way. But I believe in letting them gift me with their pure joy while I allow them a glimpse of the person I used to be before LIFE happened, before I got modified and updated. My kids absolutely love that.

So in a world where we just stress to meet everyone’s expectations I advice you to stop for a minute and re-evaluate. Compromises are part of life. So is fulfilling responsibilities. The question is: do you do that at the cost of YOURSELF? I advice you to go looking for that kid you were way back when and try to learn something from him / her. And who knows? Maybe you will wake up one morning sometime soon, actually looking forward to the day, filled with love and hope and joy and happy to just be!

Thanks for reading! If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to leave them below! I’d love to hear from you and what you think about the “inner child idea” 🙂 Let me know!

Deb

2 thoughts on “Way Back When”

  1. Hello here, thanks for the inspiring article which reminds us that the life is not just about daily shores and daily routine.
    Plenty of people live as zombies without emotions, just floating as leafs on the like. It would be nice if instead lake it would be a river. It would bring them somewhere further.
    You remind with your article about simple joys of life. However, I wonder if you have solutions how to change these situations such as sticking to the same job, being in abusive relationships and so on.
    Individuals must to find inner freedom and peace. I think that meditation helps here. It lets to evaluate situation as outsiders and take lives back.
    All the best, be healthy and wealthy, Nemira.

    1. Thank you very much for your kind feedback! The simple joys in life – we neededn’t look too far for those. My advice as to the situations that you mentioned? If you are in a bad place – an abusive relationship or you job you hate etc – you have to get out of it. You may think of a thousand reasons why you can’t – the children, money, finances …. but keep in mind that eventually staying in a situation that makes you deeply unhappy will harm those you love and try to protect. I wish I could offer an easy “fix”, an easy solution – there is none. Getting away from people that are bad for you (but that you care for) or quitting a job that you may hate but that pays the bills is HARD and scary. But I think we need to look at these situations as what they are – poison. And not put off CHANGE any longer! Thanks again!

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